Updated: Feb 17
I'm a mother to an amazingly special girl but that is not why I am one lucky Mother ( f'er).
I am so lucky to be a mother. I have arguably the cutest daughter in the entire world. She has this free-spirited curly brown hair with golden highlights, a big beaming smile, and the sunniest disposition. She has perfect comedic timing beyond her years, expresses her love so deeply and often and is SO sure of who she is. It is a complete honor and privilege to be her mother but, this is not why I’m lucky.
I am lucky because I am the witness to the beginning of all that is. I get a first-hand glimpse into the beginning. Before anyone has a hand at telling you who you are and what to be. I am able to see the ambiguous strength of spirit. I can see the innate qualities that radiate through before you know you have to know yourself. You just are you. With no limitations and nothing to change.
We all know who we are on the day we arrive. Guess what? We’re really happy about it.
Children are the epitome self-love. We should all take note. To return to our child-like being is to connect to source again.
Being a mother rapidly became my intimate window into what we all have experienced coming into the world. It was a call to return to the "knowing" of who I am. I had no choice but to meet my daughter where she was: completely in love with herself. Which meant for the first time in my life I would have to finally love me too.
You would think that loving yourself would be a habit, something we did on autopilot like brushing your teeth twice a day. In all reality its anything but that. Self love and acceptance are neglected from our everyday lives. If you've ever paused to get still and tune into the current of thoughts in your mind, you'd see that self-love is often absent.
In one day if we had just one negative self-thought a minute, we would, at minimum have 1,440 negative thoughts a day. The average person only lives 29,000 days. Why waste the short time that we do have here hating ourselves minute by minute?
Self-hatred for myself, unfortunately, was a large portion of my life. Sad but true, I never felt good about who I was. I rejected who I was and looked to become anyone else but myself. For the majority of my life, I had enough distractions with successful work life, fun social life, shopping, travel, relationships that I could hide and pretend I had it all under control. That I was "ok". I carried on for years like this, avoiding myself, and it all came to a screeching halt when I got pregnant. Motherhood brought me to my tired knees and i had no choice left but to finally fully surrender.
Trust The Process:
My daughter was the shining beacon of hope to look beyond layers of shame, self-doubt, betrayal, heartache, rejection and toughening I had accumulated over the years. She was once again, the proof I needed, that we are willed and created for the extraordinary. If I came into the world with this innate knowing, as she did, there was the possibility to return to it. Her existence alone was enough and so is yours.
Pregnancy, for me, was a gift of ease, no sickness or pains. What it did bring was the full truth of my life. I couldn't drink, I couldn't go out to the places I previously frequented, my friends no longer included me and I was for the first time in my life alone with myself. I recall thinking 2 weeks into the pregnancy, "This is one willful soul.". I had no idea she was a girl. I had no idea what she would look like, talk like, sound like and yet, I knew so deeply that her spirit was one of mighty will. I wondered, how did I know that? How do we know and sense something we can't see, touch, hear, or taste? This was my education and a quick one that we are souls living in a body. We are part of a woven world of spirit and pregnancy allowed me the grace and privilege of experiencing it first hand.
By the second trimester, I had gotten into the groove of things, starting to show a bump, embracing the future of motherhood in my own way and on my terms. I had accepted I was no longer in control, nature had taken over and knew far better than me. Love is the energy of acceptance.
It was that moment that it became so clear to me, we know who we are when we arrive into out world. The connection and acceptance of that knowing is the journey.
The birth was surreal and painful. They say after a while you don't recall the details or even the pain because the love is so encompassing over the years it's all you can focus on. The moment that is seared into my heart and mind is the first time I saw Lily and we made eye contact. It was like, "Hey You! Where have you been? It's been too long since we've last talked." kind of feeling. It's like we have been best friends for all eternity and more.
She was fully aware beyond the moments she had physically been in the world of who she is. I remember she came into our room after her "bath" and was wrapped up like a little burrito, sleeping so peacefully and I was thinking, "She's a force." It was at that moment that it became crystal clear to me, we know who we are when we arrive in the world. We know we are a force of love. The connection and acceptance of that knowing is the journey.
In the middle of the night at 2 am, then 4 am, and 6 am I would wake up to rock her back to sleep and sit in her dark, quiet, peaceful, soft room. I was too tired and didn't want to wake her back up by placing her down in her crib, so I would sit for hours in a rocking chair holding her. There was no choice but to sit with myself in those moments. I would close my eyes and breath with her. I was still. I was being not doing. I was finding peace in the moment. I was moving past my thoughts, feelinds, and experiencing the whisper of my higher-self.
Memories started to pop-up that I had thought about in years. I would reflect back on my own upbringing. How I had lived my life up until this point. Considering who I wish to be in this world and what I desire. It was like I was finally tunning into the right radio station and unraveling.
I had finally found something to change that was going to yield the magic I was looking for.
It's not that I was doing anything hard in terms of connecting with myself. I didn't necessarily have a regimented morning ritual or daily yoga practice with meditation. The biggest change was that I was able to accept that I was just as amazing as my daughter simply because I was born. Embracing the pace of a newborn and being quiet with myself was one of the greatest gifts.
In essence, my belief system had changed. I had finally found something to change that was going to yield the magic I was looking for. Now that I understand what that belief feels like, the practices, spiritual books, lessons, videos, life tools, etc. all felt applicable to me. I could actually apply the practice of writing down what I like about myself, what are my best qualities, who am I innately without even trying? I could sit in meditation and enjoy it because I understood it was my gateway to my soul.
There's nothing I want more than for everyone to feel the same sense of power when stepping into the truth of who they are. We are all lucky mother f'ers.